How am I going to do this?

3 Aug

I woke up in a really good mood this morning, in part because I woke up due to Jax kicking like mad, and also because today I am 20 weeks. B is gone to her aunts and isn’t due back from her until later on, so I figured I’d have a nice mommy/son day with T. We were supposed to spend the day at Marineland, but I don’t drive and my sister-in-law and her daughter never called before they went, like they were supposed to. A little upsetting because we haven’t gone yet this summer, but no big deal. I told T we would take a walk down to the park and go swimming for a few hours after he cleaned his room. With that I did a bit of tidying up, and went into the bathroom to shower and get ready.

I come out of the bathroom and his room is worse than before. I literally could only open his door maybe 2 inches. I asked him why he hadn’t cleaned his room and he said “I just don’t feel like it, so we won’t go to St. George”. Which ticked me off, and I basically said thats fine, but regardless, you have to get your room clean, or else you’re not gonna be doing much of anything today. It’s a house rule, no chores, no fun activities. The kids are normally very good with this rule. Anyways, he immediately freaks out. He screamed at me that he doesn’t want to do anything with me, he doesn’t care if we have fun together, he doesn’t like me. Then I started hearing banging, meaning that he’s completely lost it now and is throwing his toys around. I open his door and again and tell him to clear the toys from in front of it so he can get out, and sit for a time out until he’s calm again.

Now he’s sitting in the corner crying and saying that he hates me over and over and I’m sitting in my room crying because I don’t know what to do, and I’m so upset and so mad and I don’t want to take it out on him. All I wanted was to spend some quality one on one time with him and it just completely backfired on me, and now I don’t even want to leave my bed. I called and made an appt with his doctor earlier in the week to discuss different meds and treatment options but the appt isn’t until the 22nd. I’m terrified about what life is going to be like when the baby comes now, because he needs so much attention but yet the baby will too. I’m scared for him to go back to school and hurt someone because he just gets so mad and he can’t comprehend how to manage his anger, he just gets violent. I’m mad at his biological dad who I haven’t spoke to since before T was born (by his choice, not mine), because I don’t know anything about his medical history on that side and I have no way of knowing what else could rear it’s head down the road on top of the ADHD.

I just completely feel lost and alone and like giving up. How am I going to do this? Are things ever going to get better?

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