Pregnancy Update: I’m too sexy.

31 Aug

It took me three tries to log in. Three! That’s how long I’ve fallen out of the blogging habit for. In my defense, my sister was staying with us for a few weeks, and I didn’t particularly want to sit on the computer when I could be spending quality time with her. So, my dearest apologies, but family always comes first. In case you were wondering, we had a fantastic time. I discovered that not drinking around a bonfire is really, really, really hard. Back to school is in three days (!!!), and then I’ll be able to write more frequently. I’ll hopefully do a “looking-back-on-summer” photo dump as well.

On the subject of back to school, I don’t even know where T is attending school this year. Seriously. He was supposed to transfer to a school that’s better equipped for kids with special needs, but they haven’t contacted me. I reached out to them and am waiting for a response. It’s THREE DAYS UNTIL SCHOOL STARTS. Give me a break here. I’m stressed out enough, wondering if I bought the kids enough fucking glue sticks and the right kind of scissors.

Anyways, I’m supposed to be cleaning right now but I decided to break for a snack and blog update. Also because I’m frustrated that the “safe” cleaner I was using started taking the paint off my front door. Fuck. Now I have to repaint it. To stretch out my time not cleaning, here are some recent observations on my pregnancy:

Fuck heartburn. How does water give one heartburn? Please explain.

Fuck sciatica. I feel like a 90 year old man sometimes. I have to bend in half to walk. I need a cane.

Fuck insomnia. And on top of that, fuck there not being anything remotely good to watch when I’m stuck awake at 2AM.

Why have I grown five skin tags on my vag? The really weird part is, there are none on the left side. Just the right. Huh. Oh, there’s also one on my butt. HOT STUFF!

Never, ever, EVER rip off a skin tag. I pulled off a small one last night just to see what would happen. Oh my God. There was so much blood. And it didn’t stop bleeding for a good half hour. So don’t ever try that.

How come shaving my hoo-hah doesn’t cut them off?

I’m turning into a man. My pits get 5 o’clock shadow two freaking hours after I shave, and I’m growing a treasure trail. I’m so sexy. M thinks it’s hilarious and likes to make fun of me for it. We’ll see who’s laughing when I quit shaving and french braid my pit hair.

Speaking of hair, I thought the stuff on my head was supposed to stop falling out? It hasn’t. If anything, it’s falling out more. I’m going to be bald by the time I deliver. This kid better have a sweet head of hair to make up for all I’m losing.

How is my body building a mucus plug when half of it plops out into my undies every day? It’s like my vagina has a cold and routinely uses my panties as a kleenex, it’s disgusting. M made the mistake of looking over once while I wiped after peeing. That was the last time he did that.

*Pause to note I just saw a centipede run across my living room floor. Yuck. Goosebumps. I moved one piece of furniture. Proof that I should never attempt a deep cleaning. Ever.*

My nips are sooooo itchy. Nipples are really hard to scratch.

My boobs are not only leaking now, they are squirting. Well, the left one is squirting. Gets some pretty good distance on it too. M is now terrified of playing with my boobies. I kind of hope he forgets and gets squirted in the eye.

Lately pooping somewhat scares me. I’m afraid I’ll push too hard and my baby will plop into the toilet. I guess I’ve been watching too much “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant”.

Why can’t I ever crave things at convenient times/places? For instance, why can’t I crave a snickers and a Dr. Pepper when I’m in the damn store, instead of at midnight when my only option is to walk my ass down to the corner store. Too damn far, and plus, it’s dark and scary outside.

This entry may cause you to believe I’m not enjoying my pregnancy. I totally am, I just feel totally disgusted but somehow amused by the freakshow that once was my body. Also, my early morning sleep farts can clear a room. Thought you might like to know.

Hope everyone enjoys their long weekend. We’re going camping. Hooray!

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